The Simpsons

For other uses, see The Simpsons (disambiguation).

The Simpsons is a popular US animated television series on the Fox Network (December 17, 1989 - present) created by Matt Groening. It documents the life of the Simpson family in the town of Springfield.

Season 1

Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire [1.01]

Marge: Alright kids, hand me your letters. I'll send them to Santa's workshop up at the north pole.

Bart: Oh, please. There's only one fat guy who brings us presents and his name ain't Santa.

Homer: [as a mall Santa] Ho, Ho, [hits his head] D'oh!

[Homer leaves to go get a Christmas tree.]

Lisa: Can we go, too?

Bart: Yeah, can we...?

Homer: No! [closes the door]

[Santa's Little Helper is chased off by his owner, and comes running towards Homer and Bart]

Homer: Oh, no, you don't! No, no! Get away from me! Uh-uh!

[Santa's Little Helper jumps into Homer's arms.]

Bart: Oh, can we keep him, Dad, please?

Homer: But he's a loser. He's pathetic! He's... [Santa's Little Helper licks Homer]...a Simpson!

[Bart and Homer watch Santa's Little Helper lose the race]

Bart: Doesn't seem possible, but I guess TV has betrayed me.

Bart the Genius [1.02]

[The family is playing Scrabble.]

Bart: My turn. Kwyijibo. K-W-Y-I-J-I-B-O, 22 points, plus triple word score, plus 50 points for using all my letters. Game's over, I'm outta here.

[Bart's about to leave, but Homer grabs his arm.]

Homer: Wait a minute, you little cheater. You're not going anywhere, until tell me what a Kwyijibo is.

Bart: Uh, Kwyijibo. Uh... [looks at Homer] a big, dumb, balding North American ape. With no chin.

Marge: And a short temper.

Homer: I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape! [chases Bart]

Bart: Uh-oh! Kwyijibo is on the loose!

Bart: Dad, I got to tell you something, hope you won't be too mad.

Homer: What is it, son?

Bart: I'm not a genius, dad.

Homer: What?

Bart: I cheated on the intelligent test, I'm sorry! But you then made the past few weeks great. Me and you were doing stuff together, you've helped me out with things, we're closer than we've ever been. I love you, dad, and I think is something can bring us that close, it can't possibly be bad.

[Long pause]

Homer: Why, you little...! [chases Bart]

Bart: Uh-oh! [runs]

Marge: What's going on out there?

Lisa: I think Bart's stupid again, Mom.

Marge: Oh, well.

[Bart runs into his room and closes the door. Homer pounds on it.]

Homer: You can't stay in there forever!

Bart: I can try!

Homer: March your butt right out here, now!

[Homer is about to continue pounding on the door, but stops with a crafty smile]

Homer: [with false concern] Son, if you don't come out, I can't hug you and kiss you and make you feel all better.

Bart: You think I'm dumb enough to fall for that!? I'm insulted!

[Homer howls in rage and continues pounding at the door]

[Mrs. Krabappel administers an aptitude test to the class]

Mrs. Krabappel: Now, I don't want you to worry class. These tests will have no affect on your grades. They merely determine your future social status and financial success. If any.

[The "gifted" children discuss paradoxes in class]

Ms. Melon: Well, it seems the smartest child in the class is also the quietest. Bart, what other paradoxes affect our lives?

Bart: [Hesitates] Well...you're damned if you do...and you're damned if you don't.

[The Simpsons play Scrabble]

Homer: Hmm. How could anyone make a word out of these lousy letters?

[The seven letters in Homer's tray are arranged in order, and they spell out the word "oxidize"]

Homer: Oh, wait. Here's a good one. "Do."

[Homer places "do" on the board and then Lisa places "id" on the board]

Lisa: "Id." Triple word score.

Homer: Hey, no abbreviations.

Lisa: Not I. D., Dad. "Id." It's a word.

Bart: As in, "This game is stup-id."

Homer: Hey, shut up, boy.

Lisa: Yeah, Bart. You're supposed to be developing verbal abilities for your big aptitude test tomorrow.

Marge: We could look this "id" thing up in the dictionary.

Homer: We got one?

Marge: I think it's under the short leg of the couch.

[Homer grabs the dictionary and hands it to Lisa]

Lisa: [Reads aloud] "Id: Along with the ego and the superego, one of three components of the psyche"

Homer: Get outta here.

[Homer and Marge meet with Principal Skinner about Bart's behavior]

Principal Skinner: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, this is our district psychiatrist, Dr. J. Loren Pryor.

Homer: What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Principal Skinner: I caught your son defacing school property this morning. We estimate the damage at $75, and frankly we think it's terribly unfair that other taxpayers should foot the bill.

Homer: Yeah, it's a crummy system, but what are you going to do?

[Marge whispers in Homer's ear]

Homer: Oh no. He can't mean that. [To Skinner] My wife thinks you want me to pay for it.

Principal Skinner: That was the idea.

Homer: Oh.

Dr. Pryor: The child is not supposed to know his own IQ, of course, but, uh, you can see it's beyond the range of any doubt.

[Dr. Pryor hands Homer a slip of paper with Bart's IQ on it]

Homer: Nine hundred and twelve!

Dr. Pryor: Uh, no. You have it upside-down. It's two hundred and sixteen.

Homer: [Disappointed] Oh.

[Homer drops Bart off at his new school]

Homer: Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do, one day you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations. You may outsmart someone.

[The Simpsons go to the opera]

Bart: Hey, Lis, keep an eye out for the guy with the peanuts.

Marge: There's no guy with peanuts, dear.

Homer: Geez. No beer. No opera dogs.

Marge: Shh!

[The orchestra plays "March of the Toreadors"]

Bart: [Singing] Toreador, oh, don't spit on the floor. Please use the cuspidor. That's what it's for.

[Bart and Homer laugh]

[In science lab, Bart is about to mix two substances]

Ms. Melon: (to Bart) Say, what's that? It looks dangerous.

Bart: Well, it's really pretty top secret, ma'am.

Ms. Melon: All right, keep going. But you do know what happens when you mix acids and bases, right?

Bart: 'Course I do.

[Bart pours one substance into another, it explodes and covers the whole room in the yellow mixture]

Bart: [Upset] Sorry.

[Homer encourages Bart, after he comes home from "gifted" school covered in green]

Homer: Don't be discouraged, son. I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.

Homer's Odyssey [1.03]

Marge: There, there, Homer. You've caused plenty of industrial accidents and you've always bounced back.

Sherri: Hey, Bart. Our dad says your dad is incompetent.

Bart: What does "incompetent" mean?

Terri: It means he spends more time yakking and scarfing down donuts than doing his job.

Bart: Oh, okay. I thought you were putting him down.

[The cartoon character Smilin' Joe Fission informs Bart's class about nuclear energy]

Smilin' Joe Fission: Uh-oh. Whoops. Looks there's a little leftover nuclear waste. No problem.

[Smilin' Joe tucks the waste under a rug]

Smilin' Joe Fission: I'll just put it where nobody'll find it for a million years.

Mrs. Krabappel: Now class, I don't want this field trip to be a repeat of our infamous visit to the Springfield State Prison. So, I want you all to be on your best behavior, especially you, Bart Simpson.

Bart: Mrs. Krabappel, I didn't unlock that door!

[Bart prank calls to Moe]

Moe: Hi,Gittler.

Bart: Is Mr. Freely there?

Moe: Who?

Bart: Freely. First initials "I. P."

Moe: Hold on, I'll check. Uh, is I.P. Freely here? Hey, everybody! I.P. Freely!

[Everyone at the bar laughs]

Wait a minute... Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half.

[Bart and Lisa laugh]

[Homer thinks in his head as he writes his suicide note]

Homer: Dear family I am an utter failure, and you'll be better off without me. By the time you read this, I will be in my watery grave. I can only leave you with the words my father gave me: "Stand tall, have courage and never give up." I only hope I can provide a better model in death [Sniffs] than I did in life. Warmest regards. Love, Homer J. Simpson.

There's No Disgrace Like Home [1.04]

[Dr. Monroe introduces electric shock therapy to the Simpsons.]

Dr. Monroe: Now, don't touch any of those buttons in front of you for a very important reason, i.e., you are wired in to the rest of your family. You have the ability to shock them, and they have the ability to shock--

[Homer screams as Bart shocks him.]

Bart: Just testing.

Homer: Why, you--

[Homer is about to press a button, but Monroe holds his arm back]

Dr. Monroe: No Homer, not yet!

Homer: D'OH!!!

Dr. Monroe: You see , this is what's known as aversion therapy. When someone hurts you emotionally, you will hurt them physically, and gradually you will learn not to hurt each other at all! And won't that be wonderful Homer?

Homer: Ah yeah, doctor!

[Homer shocks Bart.]

Bart: Aaawww! [About to shock Homer, but shocks Lisa instead.]

Lisa: Aaawww!

Marge: Bart! How could you shock you little sister?

Bart: My finger slipped. [gets shocked by Lisa.]

Lisa: So did mine.

[Bart and Lisa continue shocking each other.]

Marge:Bart and Lisa! Stop that! Right now!!! [Marge shocks both Bart and Lisa.]

[Dr. Monroe diagnoses the Simpsons' problem]

Dr. Monroe: [to Homer] Well, if you had been paying attention, perhaps you would have noticed that your family sees you as a rather stern authority figure, an ogre, if you will.

Homer: Now, Doctor, that's not true.

Lisa: Ogre is such a strong word.

Bart: Right on, Doc! Another successful diagnosis.

Homer: That does it!

[Homer grabs a lamp and tries to hit Bart with it]

[Dr. Monroe takes the lamp from Homer]

Dr. Monroe: [Chuckles] Okay, you wanna kill each other. That's good. That's healthy.

[At the dinner table, much to Homer's disgust, the rest of the family begins rapidly shoveling in their food]

Homer: No, We're going to say grace first.

Bart: Okay. Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub.

[The family begins eating again]

Homer: No! Ignore the boy, Lord. Now can the chatter, and bow your heads. [Clears throat] Dear Lord, thank you for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it. I mean, our kids are uncontrollable hellions. Pardon my French, but they act like savages. Did you see them at the picnic? Ah, of course you did. You're everywhere. You're "omnivorous." O Lord why did you smite me with this family?

All: Amen!

Bart: Let's eat.

Homer: No, I'm not done yet!

Marge: But, Homer, how long are we supposed to sit here and listen to you bad mouth us to the Man Upstairs?

Homer: I'm sorry, Marge, but sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.

Marge: Maybe we should move to a larger community.

Homer:D'OH!!!

[Marge and another woman drop off their babies in the nursery at the company picnic]

Marge: Gee, do you think we should leave the kids unsupervised?

Woman: You're right.

[The woman clicks on the TV]

Woman: There.

[At Moe's, Homer sees Dr. Marvin Monroe's commercial on TV]

Homer: When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. [Chuckles] They're on TV!

Bart the General [1.05]

Marge: Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this!

Bart: I guess I could do that.

Homer: What? And violate the code of the schoolyard? I'd rather Bart die!

Marge: What on earth are you talking about, Homer?

Homer: The code of the schoolyard, Will! The rules that teach a boy how to be a man! Let's see; don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, never say anything unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.

Grampa: I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank heaven for children.

[Grampa and Bart pay a visit to Herman's Military Antiques]

Herman: What's the password?

Grampa: Let me in, you idiot!

Herman: Right you are!

[Herman lets them in the store]

Grampa: So, Herman, has the large-type edition of this month's Solider Of Fortune come in yet?

Herman: Uh, not yet. But, can I interest you in some authentic Nazi underpants?

Grampa: No! Actually, we came over because I want you to meet my grandson, Bart.

Herman: Ah. Hello, young American.

Bart: Hello, sir. Uh, Mr. Herman?

Herman: Yes?

Bart: [Stutters] Did you lose your arm in the war?

Herman: My arm? Well, let me put it this way. Next time your teacher tells you to keep your arm inside the bus window, you do it!

Bart: Yes, sir, I will.

[Homer consoles Bart after he is beaten up by Nelson]

Bart: Dad, I need help. Please.

[Bart moans, as tears roll down his face]

Homer: Now come on, Bart. We don't want your mother to see you crying.

Bart: Oh, man.

Homer: Here. Let me help you dry those tears.

[Homer blasts Bart in the face with hot air from a hair dryer]

[Bart daydreams about his funeral and people walk by his coffin]

Milhouse: Thanks, Bart! We got the day off from school for this.

Homer: Yeah, and I got a day off from work!

Marge: Hey Homer! Homer!!

Homer: But what's a day off from work when I'm never going to see my beloved son again! [Crying] Oh, Bart! Oh, Bart!

Marge: That's better, Homer.

[From Bart's daydream funeral]

Otto: Good-bye, little dude. [to Principal Skinner] He looks so lifelike, man.

Principal Skinner: Yes. The school nurse did a wonderful job reconstructing his little face after the fight.

[Otto puts his headphones on and walks away from the casket]

Principal Skinner: Good-bye, son. I guess you were right. All that homework was a waste of your time.

Moaning Lisa [1.06]

Bleeding Gums Murphy: [to Lisa] You know, you play pretty well for someone with no real problems.

Lisa: Yeah, but I don't feel any better.

Bleeding Gums Murphy: The blues isn't about feelin' better. It's about makin' other people feel worse and makin' a few bucks while you're at it.

Homer: Where the hell are my keys? Who stole my keys? Come on, I'm late for work! [Lifts Maggie and looks underneath]

Marge: Oh Homer, you'd lose your head if it weren't securely fastened to your neck.

Bart: Did you check the den?

Homer: The den! Great idea!

[Homer heads into the den with Bart following him and Homer begins to pull couch apart]

Bart: Warm. No, cold. Colder. Ice cold.

Homer: You know where my keys are?

Bart: No, I'm talking about your breakfast. [Laughs]

[Homer growls]

Homer: You know Marge, getting old is a terrible thing. I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.

[Homer tries to console Lisa, who is feeling sad]

Homer: I have feelings too. You know, like "My stomach hurts." Or "I'm going crazy!"

[Lisa sings the Blues with Bleeding Gums Murphy]

Lisa:

I got a bratty brother,

He bugs me every day.

And this morning my own mother,

She gave my last cupcake away.

My dad acts like he belongs,

He belongs in the zoo.

I'm the saddest kid,

In grade number two.

The Call of the Simpsons [1.07]

Lisa: Remember, Dad. The handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star.

Homer: That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class. We're in the woods.

[Marge and Lisa discuss the origin of babies]

Lisa: I heard a hideous story about it once, in the schoolyard.

Marge: Oh. Well, it's true, I'm afraid.

[At a press conference scientists discuss their findings on Homer]

German Scientist: This much I believe we can agree upon: this specimen is either a below-average human being or...a brilliant beast.

[Bart and Lisa entertain each other in the back seat of the car]

Bart: Turkey farm?

Lisa: No.

Bart: Skunks?

Lisa: No.

Bart: Slaughterhouse?

Lisa: No.

Marge: What are you doing back there?

Lisa: We're playing "What's that odor?"

Bart: Dad's feet?

Homer: Bart!

Lisa: You win, Bart.

Homer: Lisa!

Bart: Are we there yet, Dad?

Homer: I'll tell you when we get there. Go back to your smell game.

The Telltale Head [1.08]

Homer: [on Heaven] I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us who roller-skate and smoke cigars?

Bart: Well, I was wondering... how important is it to be popular?

Homer: I'm glad you asked, son. Being popular is the most important thing in the world.

Bart: So, like sometimes you can do stuff that you think is pretty bad so other kids will like you better?

Homer: You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?

Bart: No.

Homer: Are you?!

Bart: No!

Homer: Then run along, you little scamp. Like I always say, a boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.

[Moe consoles his patrons after hearing the news of the town statue having been beheaded]

Moe: Okay, come on, come on, everybody. We gotta get on with our lives. Let's try and put this tragedy behind us.

Barney: You're right, Moe. A beer, please, and make sure there's a head on it.

[Moe starts sobbing]

[Chief Wiggum leads a press conference about the town statue]

Chief Wiggum: [Clears throat] Well, we have no witnesses, no suspects, and no leads. If anyone has any information, please dial "0" and ask for the police. That number again, "0."

[Bart skateboards down to the movie theater]

Jimbo: Hey, hot dog.

Bart: What? [crashes into a lamp post]

Jimbo: Nice dismount, man.

[He and his friends laugh]

Bart: Didn't hurt.

Kearney: Oh, yeah? Well, do it again!

Bart: Nah. Might land on my face and end up looking like you.

Life on the Fast Lane [1.09]

Jacques: My head cries, "Stop," but my heart and hips cry, "Proceed!"

[The kids surprise Marge with breakfast in bed and Homer tries to cover up the fact that he forgot Marge's birthday]

Homer: [Nudges Marge] You really thought I forgot, didn't you?

Bart: Oh, right. What did you get her, Dad?

Lisa: Yeah, what did you get?

[Homer climbs out of bed and casually changes out of his pajamas and into some clothes]

Homer: Uh...well...a very... thoughtful gift. But it's a surprise. (Stretches and yawns) You know it's such a beautiful morning. I think I'll take a little stroll around the block.

[Homer can be heard quickly running downstairs, out to his car, and peeling out of the driveway]

Lisa: I think he forgot, Mom.

Marge: Mm-hmm.

[Marge is upset with Homer about her birthday gift]

Marge: You bought that bowling ball for you, not for me.

Homer: What? No!

Marge: The holes were drilled for your fingers.

Homer: Well, I wanted to surprise you. I couldn't very well chop your hand off and bring it to the store, could I?

Marge: You never intended for me to use that ball.

Homer: Well, if that's how you feel, I'll take it back.

Marge: You can't take it back! You had your name engraved on it!

Homer: So you'd know it was from me!

Marge: Homer, I'm keeping the ball...for myself!

Homer: What? But you don't know how to bowl. Whoops!

Marge: I'm keeping it, and I'm going to use it. Thank you for the present, Homer.

[Marge clicks off the light and goes to bed]

Homer: Well...you're...welcome.

[Marge visits a bowling alley for the first time]

Marge: Excuse me.

[Marge shows her bowling ball to the bowling clerk]

Marge: Where do I throw this?

[The bowling clerk points to a lane]

Bowling Clerk: Over there.

Marge: Thank you.

[Marge starts to walk away from the counter]

Bowling Clerk: Hey, hey, wait a minute! You're gonna need a lane.

Marge: No, thanks. I'm just here out of spite.

Bowling Clerk: Can't bowl without a lane.

Marge: Well, all right.

[The bowling clerk hands Marge a score card]

Bowling Clerk: Okay, here you go. You keep score on this. What size shoes you wear?

Marge: Never you mind!

Bowling Clerk: You can't wear street shoes on the lanes. You gotta wear bowling shoes. What size, please?

Marge: 13 double "A."

Bowling Clerk: 13 double "A"? [Whistles] This is the closest I've got. A nine and a fifteen.

Marge: Thank you. Hmm.

[Marge accidentally throws her bowling ball into the adjacent lane, which happens to be Jacques' lane]

Marge: I'm--I'm awfully sorry.

Jacques: Entirely my fault. It is nice to meet you, [Picks up Marge's ball and looks at it] Homer.

Marge: Oh, no, no. Homer is my... ball's name. I'm Marge.

Jacques: Your fingers are so slender, so feminine. They're far too tapered for the ball you are using. You need something lighter. More delicate. Here. Use my ball.

Marge: Hmm. No. No, thank you, Mr., um, [Looks at Jacques' bowling ball] Brunswick.

Jacques: Call me Jacques.

Marge: Jacques.

Jacques: Marge.

Marge: Hmm. I'll just use my ball.

Jacques: As you wish. Many people have senseless attachments to heavy, clumsy things, such as this Homer of yours.

[Homer provides dinner for the kids while Marge is bowling]

Homer: Now this is living, eh, kids? Hot pizza--the food of kings!

Lisa: Don't be scared, Dad. It's not so hard taking care of us.

Homer: Lisa, I'm not scared. I think it's a great chance to spend some time with you kids. Your mother always gets to be alone with you, and now it's my turn.

[Everyone silently eats some pizza]

Homer: Does the time always drag like this?

Lisa: Bart, I read about what happens to kids whose parents no longer love and cherish each other. They go through eight separate stages. Right now, I'm in Stage three, fear. You're in Stage two, denial.

Bart: No, I'm not.

Lisa: Yes, you are!

Bart: No, I'm not!

Lisa: Yes, you are!

Bart: I'm not! I'm not! Am not!

Lisa: I stand corrected.

[Before leaving for work, Homer tries to connect with Marge, who seems distant]

Homer: Marge, may I speak to you?

Marge: Sure.

Homer: You know, I've been thinking. Everyone makes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but usually the jelly drips out over the sides and the guy's hands get all sticky. But your jelly stays right in the middle where it's supposed to. I don't know how you do it. You just got a gift, I guess. I've always thought so. I just never mentioned it, but it's time you knew how I feel. I don't believe in keeping feelings bottled up. [Silent pause] Good-bye, my wife.

[Homer carries Marge out of the Power Plant]

Plant Worker: Hey, what'll I tell the boss?

Homer: Tell him that I'm going to the back-seat of my car, with the woman I love. And I won't be back for ten minutes! [Co-workers cheer]

Homer's Night Out [1.10]

[Homer weighs himself again after six months]

Homer: OH, NO! 239 lbs?!? I'm a whale! Why was I cursed with this weakness for snack treats? [more serious] Well from now on, exercise every morning, Homer!

[Homer stretches in front of the bathroom mirror, just as Marge enters.]

Marge: Ohhh... Don't strain yourself, dear.

Homer: Good idea, Marge.

[Homer pays a visit to the Kwik-E-Mart, after he has unknowingly become famous from his photo with Princess Kashmir being posted all over town]

Homer: One glazed, and one Scratch-'N-Win, please.

Apu: You look familiar, sir. Are you on the television or something?

Homer: Sorry, buddy. You got me confused with Fred Flintstone. [Chuckles]

[Apu hands Homer his lottery ticket and he starts to scratch it off]

Homer: Oh. Liberty Bell.

[Homer scratches some more and gasps]

Homer: Another Liberty Bell! One more and I'm a millionaire. Come on, Liberty Bell, please, please, please, please, please, please!

[Homer scratches to reveal a plum]

Homer: D'oh! That purple fruit thing. Where were you yesterday?

[Homer comes home from work and an angry Marge meets him at the front door and shoves the infamous photo in his face]

Marge: What is the meaning of this?

Homer: [Stammers] Uh, meaningless, Marge. Don’t even attempt to find meaning in it. There’s nothing between me and Princess Kashmir.

Marge: Princess who?

[Bart walks by and sees Marge holding his photo]

Bart: Hey, my photo.

Marge and Homer: Your photo?

Bart: Uh-oh.

Homer: Why you little-

[Homer reaches to choke Bart]

Marge: Why you big-

[Marge reaches to choke Homer]

Marge: Bart, go to your room.

Bart: I’m outta here.

Burns: What in blue blazes do you think you're doing, Simpson?!

Homer: What do you mean, sir?

Burns: I mean this! [holds up the picture]

Homer: [Gasps]

Burns: A plant employee carrying on like an over-sexed orangutan in heat! This is a family nuclear power plant, Simpson. Our research indicates that over fifty percent of our power is used by women. [suddenly wrinkles up the picture into a ball] I WILL NOT HAVE YOU OFFENDING MY CUSTOMERS WITH YOUR BAWDY SHENANIGANS!!

[After being kicked out the night before, Homer comes back home and apologizes to Marge]

Marge: Homer, you don't even know why you're apologizing.

Homer: Yes, I do. Because I'm hungry, my clothes are smelly, and I'm tired.

The Crepes of Wrath [1.11]

[Principal Skinner pays a visit to the Simpson home]

Marge: Homer, Principal Skinner is here.

Homer: Oh, hello, Principal Skinner. I'd get up, but the boy crippled me.

Skinner: Mm-hmm. I understand completely.

[Principal Skinner offers a solution to Bart’s problems at school]

Principal Skinner: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, we have transcended incorrigible. I don't think suspension or expulsion will do the trick. I think it behooves us all to consider deportation.

Marge: Deportation?! You mean kick Bart out of the country?!

Homer: Hear him out, Marge.

[Principal Skinner tries to convince Marge and Homer to place Bart in the student exchange program]

Principal Skinner: Actually, he'd be staying in France, in a lovely chateau in the heart of the wine country.

Marge: But Bart doesn't speak French.

Principal Skinner: Oh, when fully immersed in a foreign language, the average child can become fluent in weeks!

Homer: Yeah, but what about Bart?

Principal Skinner: I'm sure he'll pick up enough to get by.

[The Simpson family waits for Adil’s arrival at the airport]

Lisa: You know, in Albania, the unit of currency is called the lek.

Homer: (Chuckles). You gotta be kiddin’. (Chuckles) The lek.

Lisa: And the national flag is a two-headed eagle on a red field.

Homer: Give me the ol' stars and stripes.

Lisa: And the main export is furious political thought.

Homer: Political what?

[Adil and Lisa debate at the dinner table]

Adil: How can you defend a country where 5 percent of the people control 95 percent of the wealth?

Lisa: I'm defending a country where people can think, and act, and worship any way they want!

Adil: Can not.

Lisa: Can too.

Adil: Can not!

Lisa: Can too!

Homer: Please, please, kids, stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.

[Adil clears the dishes after dinner]

Homer: Did you see that? You know, Marge, this the way I’ve always wanted it to be. We’ve become a fully functioning family unit. We’ve always blamed ourselves, but I guess it’s pretty clear which cylinder wasn’t firing.

Marge: Homer!

Lisa: Your paper-thin commitment to your children sends shivers down my spine! May I be excused?

[Lisa gets up and leaves]

Marge: Lisa!

Homer: Oh, she’s just jealous. She’ll get over it. And if she doesn’t, we can always exchange her. [Laughs]

Marge: Homer!

Homer: Just kidding!

Krusty Gets Busted [1.12]

[The opening of Krusty's show.]

Krusty: Hi, kids! Who do you love?

Kids: Krusty!

Krusty: How much do you love me?

Kids: With all our hearts!

Krusty: What would you do if I went off the air?

Bart and Lisa [watching at home] We'd kill ourselves!

"Krusty": Hand over all your money in a paper bag.

Apu: Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know.

["Krusty" takes the money and leaves the store.]

Apu: [to Homer] You can emerge now from my chips. The opportunity to prove yourself a hero is long gone.

Apu: What's the matter, sir? Never have I seen you look so unhappy while purchasing such a large quantity of ice cream.

Homer: The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have to see a slide show starring my wife's sisters. Or as I call ‘em, the Gruesome Twosome. (Chuckles)

[Homer gathers Krusty the Clown merchandise for the public burning]

Bart: But, dad, you're giving in to mob mentality.

Homer: No, I'm not! I'm hopping on the bandwagon. Now, come on, son. Get with the winning team.

[Reverend Lovejoy leads the public burning of Krusty the Clown merchandise]

Reverend Lovejoy: Good people, I’m so happy you’re all here tonight. But please, just a few words of caution. Now, we are going to set this pile of evil ablaze, but because these are children’s toys, the fire will spread quickly, so please stand back and try not to inhale the toxic fumes.

Some Enchanted Evening [1.13]

Moe: Hey, you can level with me. You got a domestic situation?

Homer: You might say that. My wife's gonna leave me 'cause she thinks I'm a pig.

Moe: Homer...

Homer: What?

Moe: Marge is right. You are a pig. You can ask anyone in this bar.

Homer: What? Hey, Barney, am I a pig?

Barney: You're even more of a pig than I am. [belches]

Homer: Oh, no!

Moe: See? You're a pig. Barney's a pig. Larry's a pig. We're all pigs. Except for one difference: once in a while, we can crawl out of the slop, hose ourselves off, and act like human beings.

[Marge dials the babysitting service]

Receptionist: Rubber Baby Buggie Bumper Babysitting Service.

Marge: This is Marge Simpson, I'd like a babysitter for the evening.

Receptionist: Wait a minute. The Simpsons?

[Looks over at a bulletin board with Bart, Lisa and Maggie]

Receptionist: Lady you've got to be kidding!

[Receptionist slams the phone, continues writing, phone rings seconds later]

Receptionist: Rubber baby buggie bumper babysitting service.

Homer: Hello, this is Mr. Ssssamson.

Receptionist: Did your wife just call a second ago?

Homer: No, I said Samson, not Simpson.

Receptionist: Thank God! Those Simpsons, what a bunch of savages! Especially that big ape father.

Homer: [angrily] D'oh! Actually the Simpsons are neighbors of ours and we found them to be a quite misunderstood and underrated family.

Homer: And, I made reservations at Chez Paree.

Marge: [Gasps] But, Homer, it’s so expensive!

Homer: It matters not, mon frere. (French for brother)

[Homer picks out his lobster from a tank at a fancy seafood restaurant]

Homer: They all look so tasty, but I think I'll eat this one right there!

[Homer points at a lobster]

Waiter: Why don't you pick one that’s a little more frisky, sir.

Homer: Why?

Waiter: Well, when you choose one that’s floating upside down, it somewhat defeats the purpose of selecting a live lobster.

[Homer’s upside down lobster slowly floats across the screen]

Bart: [The greatest TV room by kids with the rope.] We know who you are, Miss Botz, or should say Miss Botzcowski, you're the baby-sitter bandit!

Ms. Botz: You're a smart, young man, Bart! I hope you're smart enough to keep your mouth shut!

Lisa: He isn't.

[Miss Botz will disconnect the phone.]

Bart: You're crazy if you think you're gonna getaway with this, lady, you can't-- [Bart mouth tape on the muffled.]

Ms. Botz: I'm really not a bad person, here, while I finish up, you guys can watch the rest of your favorite video cassette.

Season 2

Bart Gets an F [2.01]

Otto: Hey, Bart Dude. Woah, you look freaked!

Bart: Otto, man, I have a test today that I'm not ready for! Could you please crash the bus or something?

Otto: Sorry, Bart Dude. Can't do it on purpose. But hey, maybe you'll get lucky!

Bart{to himself}: No need to panic. Just find a nerd and sponge answers and boom, I'm back on Easy Street!

[Bart sees Sherri and Terri in the distance. Grinning, he makes his way over to them.]

Terri: Look at him. I'll bet he didn't study again!

Sherri: And now he's gonna try to get answers from us.

Terri: He's pathetic!

Bart: Good morning, girls!

Sherri and Terri: Good morning, Bart.

Bart: Say, who's up for a little cram session? I'll go first. What was the name of the Pilgrims' boat?

Sherri: The Spirit of St. Louis.

Bart: And where'd they land?

Terri: Sunny Acapulco.

Bart: And why'd they leave England?

Sherri: Giant rats.

Bart: [writing down the information in a notebook] Cool, history's coming alive!

[The bus arrives at Springfield Elementary. As the students disembark, Martin Prince approaches Bart.]

Martin: As a natural enemy, I don't know why I should care. But the information you received regarding America's colonial period is erroneous.

Bart: Meaning....

Martin: A blindfolded chimp with a pencil in his teeth has a better chance of passing this test than you do!

Bart: Thanks for the pep talk...

Bart: Look at my eyes! See the sincerity? See the conviction? See the fear? As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade!

Homer: And if you don't, at least you'll be bigger than the other kids.

Simpson and Delilah [2.02]

[Homer learns that Dimoxinil costs one thousand dollars.]

Homer: A thousand bucks!? I can't afford that!

Sales clerk: Hmm... well, we do have a product which is more in your price range. However... [pulls out giant jug labeled "Hair in a Drum" with a $19.95 price sticker] I must assure you, that any hair growth you experience while using it will be purely coincidental.

Homer: A thousand dollars. Of all the lousy, ripped off, gip-joint- (begins sobbinh) Forget you, pal. Thanks for nothing. (leaves sobbing) [later at work]

Homer (the next day at work): So I say (toughly) "Forget you, pal! Thanks fer nuthin'!" & I stormed right outta there.

Lenny: Ha-ha! That's tellin' 'im, Homer!

Homer (dunks fishsticks in an empty dipping sauce cup): D'oh! Outta w:tarder sauce! They call this a portion? Hey, Lenny, are you gonna finish all of your tarder sauce? (Lenny pulls his tray away from Homer) Dry fish sticks; this sucks!

Carl: Quit complaining, Chrome Dome.

Homer: D'oh! If I had hair, you wouldn't be callin' me that!

Homer: [strangling Bart] BOY... MUST... DIE!

Bart: I love you, Dad!

Homer: D'oh! [stops strangling] Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not going to kill you, but I'm going to tell you three things that are gonna haunt you for the rest of your days. You've ruined your father, you've crippled your family, and baldness is hereditary!

Bart: It is?!

Homer: [praying after using his Dimoxinil] Dear God, give a bald guy a break. Amen.

Treehouse of Horror [2.03]

Lisa: [reading] "Quit throwing your garbage into our dimension!"

Narrator: Quoth the raven-

Bart: Eat my shorts!

Lisa: Bart, stop it! He says "Nevermore." And that's all he'll ever say.

Bart: Okay, okay.

"The Raven" - Homer is really angry now:

Homer: "Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!"

Narrator: I shrieked, upstarting --

Homer: "Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore! Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hasspoken! Leave my loneliness unbroken! -- quit the bust above my door! Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"

Narrator: Quoth the Raven

Bart/Raven: "Nevermore."

Homer: [trying to stay calm] "Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"

Narrator: Quoth the Raven

Bart/Raven: "Nevermore."

Homer: Why you little...!

Bart/Raven: Uh-oh!

Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish [2.04]

[As Bart and Lisa quietly fish, a strange man approaches them.]

Man: So, caught anything?

Lisa: Not yet, sir.

Man: What are you using for bait?

Lisa: My brother is using worms, but I, who feel the tranquility far outweighs the actual catching of fish, am using nothing.

Man: I see. What's your name, son?

Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?

Man: (chuckling) I'm Dave Shutton, an investigative reporter who's on the road a lot. And I must say that in my day, we didn't speak that way to our elders!

Bart: Well this is my day, and we do, sir.

Mr. Burns: Ironic, isn't it Smithers. This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you!

Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

Lisa: Ooo, a political discussion at our table. I feel like a Kennedy.

Barney Gumble: Oh no! An election! It's one of those deals where they close the bars isn't it?

Homer: Bart, would you like to say grace?

Bart: Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.

Dancin' Homer [2.05]

Barney Gumble: So Homer, what happened in Capital City?

Homer: Oh Barney

Moe:C'mon Homer. We're dyin' of curiosity.

Homer: Look, there's only one thing worse that being a loser. It's being one of those guys that sits in a bar, telling the story of how he became a loser, & I never want that to happen to me.

Bart: Hey, Dad, look! You're on Gumbo Vision!

Homer: WOW! (stands, waving to crowds) Hey, everybody! (Bart does 2 fingers behind Homer's head) How ya doin'? (blocks Bart's face) Look at me! I'm Homer Simpson! (laughs, Gumbo Vision lowers down to Homer's pants, audience laughing hystericaly at Homer's unzipped zipper)

Marge: Homer. Homer! XYZ.

Homer: Examin my zipper? Why? (looks down) Whoops! (turns quickly, zips pants up, Lisa covers eyes in embaresment, Homer laughs, waving arm at screen) Thanks, everybody!

Homer: For the first time in my life, people weren't laughing at me, they were laughing towards me!

(Looking at a "Dancin' Homer" T-shirt)

Marge: A Simpson on a T-shirt, I thought I'd never see the day.

Homer (taunting baseball player): Oooooohhhh, boogie boogie boogie boogie boogie boogie! Oooooh, boogie boogie boogie boogie!

Baseball player: 'Ey. Knock that off or I'll stick this bat where the sun don't shine.

Homer: Oh, yeah? & where might that be? Oh. (backs away quickly)

Dead Putting Society [2.06]

Homer: Marge, where's the Duff?!

Marge: Oh, uh, we're all out, Homer.

Homer: D'oh!

Marge: Would you like some fruit juice?

Homer: Don't toy with me, woman!

Homer: All right, knock it off!

Ned Flanders: Knock what off, Simpson?

Homer: You've been rubbing it in my nose since I got here! Your family is better than my family, your beer comes from farther away than my beer, you and your son like each other, your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt! You make me sick!

Ned: Simpson, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I hope you understand!

Homer: I wouldn't stay on a bet!

Lisa: I'm studying for the math fair. If I win I'll bring home a new protractor.

Homer: Too bad we don't live in a barn.

Marge: Homer. I couldn't help overhearing you warp Bart's mind.

Lisa: Bart, having never received any words of encouragement myself I'm not sure how they're suppose to sound, but here it goes. I believe in you.

Bart: Thanks man.

Homer: C'mon Bart. Remember what Vince Lombarde said- "If you lose, you're out of the family."!

Bart vs. Thanksgiving [2.07]

Lisa: [writing a poem]

I saw the best meals of my generation
Destroyed by the madness of my brother.
My soul carved in slices
By spiky-haired demons.

[Homer tries to watch a football game when he sees Bart smothering Lisa with a sofa cushion.]

Homer: Bart! Stop fighting with your sister!

Bart: Hey, man! She took my glue!

Lisa: It's not yours, Bart! (throws pillow & Bart off herself) This is family glue!

Homer: Stop it, you two! This is Thanksgiving, so glue friendly or I'll take your glue away and then nobody will have any glue to glue with!

Lisa: Dad, this isn't about glue. It's about teritoriality. He only wants the glue because I'm using it.

Bart: Oh, yeah? Proove it.

Lisa (hands Bart glue): Here.

Bart: Hey, man, I don't want you're stupid glue. (throws bottle of glue away next to Maggie's bottle, both bottles look alike, Maggie is about to suck the glue bottle, Lisa quickly walks away with glue)

Patty: When is that boy goin' to appologize?

Selma: He sure is stubborn.

Grampa: Homer was never stubborn. he always folded instantly over anything. It was as if he had no will of his own. In't that true, Homer?

Homer: Yes, Dad.

Bart the Daredevil [2.08]

Otto: [about Springfield Gorge] Hey, this thing's pretty gnarly. I bet you could throw a dead body in there, and no one would eeeeever find it.

Bart: Otto, I'm going to leap over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard.

Otto: You know, Bart, as the only adult here, I feel I should say something.

Bart: What?

Otto: COOOOOOOOL!!!!!

Otto: [Singing, to tune of "Foxy Lady" over bus microphone] Do do doo, do doo do doo, do do do doo.

Bart: Hey Otto, can I use that microphone?

Otto: ..doo do do [Switches off] Sorry Bart dude, it's for emergencies only. [Switches back on] Doo doo doo...

Lance Murdock: It's always nice to see young people taking an interest in danger. Now, son, a lot of people are going to be telling you you're crazy - and maybe they're right! But I want to tell you three things: bones heal, chicks dig scars, and the United States of America has the best doctor-to-daredevil ratio in the world!

[Bart announces his jump over Springfield Gorge]

Lisa: [Worried] Springfield Gorge? Bart, you'll be killed.

Bart: Lisa, I don't know how to explain this, but I get the same thrill out of jumpin' over stuff that you do from... reading.

[Lisa, Bart and his friends watch wrestling on TV]

Bart: Two titans at the height of their careers. Ahh, if you ask me, this is gonna be one hell of a match.

Lisa: Oh, Bart, I hope you’re not taking this seriously. Even a five-year-old knows that this is as choreographed as any ballet.

[Cut to Homer, who is at Moe’s watching the same thing and talking to Barney]

Homer: Eh, Rasputin’s got the reach. But on the other hand, the professor’s got his patented coma lock. If you ask me, this is gonna be one hell of a match.

[Scene cuts back and forth between Homer at Moe's and Bart at home, who are watching the same wrestling match on TV]

Milhouse: Hey, that's my seat.

Bart: Correction, was your seat.

[Cut to Moe's Tavern]

Barney: But I only got up to go the the can!

Homer: Hey, I don't see your name engraved on this bar stool.

Announcer: One night only, at the Springfield Speedway, this Saturday! If you miss this, you'd better be dead or in jail, and if you're in jail, break out. Be there!

Principal Skinner: Welcome to the first in a series of Saturday evening concerts.

Homer: Series? Awww.

Principal Skinner: Tonight Sherbert's, heh, heh, Shubert's Unfinished Symphony.

Homer: Oh, good, unfinished. This shouldn't take long.

[Some hours later]

Homer: D'oh! How much longer was Sherbert planning on making this piece of junk?

[Todd plays the violin at the school concert]

Ned: [Crying] My son, my son!

Homer: Come on Flanders, he's not that bad.

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titleThe Simpsons SimpsonsThe popular animated television Network December present created GroeningMatt Groening documents Simpson Springfield idSeason1 1Season Roasting FireSimpsons 101Marge Alright letters workshop poleBart presents width50

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