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Seinfeld
Seinfeld (1989-1998) was a television Sitcom about four friends living in New York City, considered to be one of the most popular and influential of the 1990s in the U.S. Season 1The Seinfeld Chronicles (Pilot) [1.1]- Jerry: If you've got a t-shirt with blood stains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now.
- Jerry: Men are not subtle — men are obvious. Women know what men want. Men know what men want. What do we want? We want women! It's the only thing we know for sure: we want women! How do we get women? Oh, we don't know that. After that first step, we have no idea. This is why you see men honking their car horns, yelling from construction sites; these are the best ideas we've had so far.
The Stakeout [1.2]- Jerry: I think to a man, a check is like a note from your mother that says "I don't have any money, but if you'll contact these people, I'm sure they'll stick up for me... If you just trust me this one time. I don't have any money, but I have these... I wrote on these... Is this of any value at all?"
- Jerry: So, do you date immature men?
- Vanessa: Almost exclusively.
The Robbery [1.3]- Kramer: [Realizing that the robbery was his fault] Jerry, I'm sorry... You have insurance, right?
- Jerry: No.
- Kramer: How could you not have insurance?
- Jerry: Because I spent my money on the Klapco D29! It's the most unpenetrable lock in the market today! It has only one design flaw. The door... must be closed!
- Jerry: Very few crooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for their careers anymore. It makes them a lot tougher to spot. "Did you lose a Sony? It could be the Penguin. I think we can round him up; he's dressed like a penguin. We can find him; he's a penguin!"
Male Unbonding [1.4]- Jerry: His name is Joel Horneck. He lived, like, three houses down from me when I grew up. He had a Ping Pong table. We were friends. Should I suffer the rest of my life because I like to play Ping Pong? I was ten! I would've been friends with Stalin if he had a Ping Pong table!
- George: She calls me up at my office. She says, "We have to talk."
- Jerry: Ugh. The four worst words in the English language.
- George: That or "Whose bra is this?"
- Jerry: That's worse.
The Stock Tip [1.5]- Vanessa: I said the market fluctuates. Remember?
- Jerry: Look, Vanessa, of course the market fluctuates. Everybody knows that. I just got fluctuated out of four thousand dollars!
- Elaine: What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats?
- Jerry: Well, it couldn't be too expensive. $13, $14 a cat?
- Elaine: Whaddaya say, Jerry? You want to make $28?
- Jerry: Hey, I'm no cat-killer.
The Phone Message [1.9]- Jerry Seinfeld: The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you are doing.
- Jerry Seinfeld:Some people have a little too much fun on television. The soda commercial people - Where do they summon this enthusiasm? Have you seen them? We have soda! We have soda! We have soda! Jumping, laughing, flying through the air. It's a can of soda! Have you ever been standing there and you are watching TV and you are drinking the exact product that they are advertising right there on TV and its like you know they are striking volleyball, jet skiing, girls in bikins and I am thinking - maybe I am putting too much ice in mine.
Season 2The Ex-Girlfriend [2.1]- Jerry: I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.
- Jerry: You know, when you read Moby Dick the second time Ahab and the whale become good friends.
- Jerry: If I have to sit next to Uncle Leo, I am leaving. He's always grabbin' my arm when he talks to me. That's probably because so many people have left in the middle of his conversation.
- George: You know, I've been thinking. I cannot envision any circumstance in which I'll ever have the opportunity to have sex again. How's it gonna happen? I just don't see how it could occur.
The Jacket [2.3]- Jerry: This jacket has completely changed my life.
- George: Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality.
- Jerry: Of course.
- George: It's fabulous.
- Elaine: My dad thinks George is gay.
- Jerry: Oh, because of all the singing?
- Elaine: No, he pretty much thinks everyone is gay.
The Phone Message [2.4]- Donna: I asked some friends of mine this week, and all of them liked the Dockers commercial.
- Jerry: Boy, I bet you got a regular Algonquin round table there.
- George: The light is blinking: "Come and listen to the idiot!... The idiot's on!!"
The Apartment [2.5]- Jerry: [about the marathon] Ah, what's to see? A woman from Norway, a guy from Kenya and 20,000 losers.
- Roxanne: The marathon is great, isn't it?
- Jerry: Yes, particularly if you're not in it.
The Statue [2.6]- Kramer: Just make love to that wall, pervert!
- George: [The statue] slipped out of my hand and it broke. My parents looked at me like I smashed the Ten Commandments. To this day they bring it up. It was the single most damaging experience in my life, aside from seeing my father naked.
The Revenge [2.7]- Newman: [about to commit suicide] Kramer! I'm on the roof!
- Kramer: [goes to Jerry's window, looks up] Well, what are you waiting for?!
- George: Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a color man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game.
- Jerry: Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments.
- George: What about that?
- Jerry: Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.
- George: Well, that's really not fair.
The Heart Attack [2.8]- Tor: Your tea is ready now. This should solve your so-called tonsil problem. It's a special concoction. It contains crampbark.
- Jerry: I love crampbark.
- Tor: Cleavers.
- Jerry: Cleaver, I once had cleaver as a kid. I was able to lift a car!
- Tor: And some couchgrass.
- Jerry: Couchgrass and crampbark? You know, I think that's what killed Curly.
- Tor: Do you use hot water in the shower?
- George: Yes.
- Tor: Stop using it.
The Deal [2.9]- Jerry: So how's the job situation going?
- George: Still lookin'. It's pretty bad out there. What about you?
- Jerry: Nothin' much. I slept with Elaine last night.
- George: You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me. I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood!
Jerry: I mean, really, what is the big deal? We go in there. (Points to the bedroom) We're in there for a while. We come right back out here. It's not complicated. The Baby Shower [2.10]- Jerry: Explain to me how this baby shower thing works.
- Elaine: What do you wanna know?
- Jerry: Well, I mean, does it ever erupt into a drunken orgy of violence?
- Elaine: Rarely.
- Jerry: Sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason.
The Chinese Restaurant [2.11]- Elaine: Ya know, its not fair people are seated first-come-first-served. It should be based on who's hungriest.
- Elaine: I feel like walking over there and grabbing something off someone's plate.
- Jerry: I'll tell you what. There's 50 bucks in it for ya if you do it.
- Elaine: What do you mean?
- Jerry: You walk up to that table over there, you pick up an egg roll, you don't say anything, you eat it, wipe your mouth, say "Thank you very much", walk away — I'll give you 50 bucks.
- Elaine: 50 bucks; you'll give me 50 bucks?
- Jerry: 50 bucks. That table over there, the three couples.
- Elaine: You think they're going to mind?
- Jerry: I don't think so. In fact, you will give them something they will talk about for years.
- Elaine: Okay, I don't wanna go over there and do it and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard on it or something.
- Jerry: No. No tricks.
- Elaine: Should I do it, George?
- George: For 50 bucks? I'd put my face in the soup and blow.
The Busboy [2.12]- Jerry: I think the busboy's in trouble.
- George: Did I get him in trouble? Because of what I said? I just told him what happened. He didn't do it on purpose! [The manager and the busboy are arguing, The busboy points in the direction of George.] He pointed at me. Why did he point at me?
- Elaine: I said I would never eat here again. But, I, I.. he had to know I was kidding.
- Jerry: [casually] I didn't say anything.
- Kramer: ¿Como se dice.. waterbed?
Season 3The Note [3.1]- [Jerry comes to apologize to Julianna, who has her son with her.]
- Julianna: I treated you. So please, just get out of the office!
- Jerry: Can't you just listen to me?
- Julianna: Run, Billy! Run to the office and close the door!
- George: This is terrible. What is this, ginger? I hate ginger! I can't understand how anyone can eat ginger.
The Truth [3.2]- Jerry: What did you tell her?
- George: I told her that she was pretentious.
- Jerry: Pretentious? The woman has my tax papers. You told her she was pretentious? The IRS — they're like the Mafia. They can take anything they want.
- Elaine: You see, that's karma.
- Jerry: No, that's Kramer.
The Pen [3.3]- Photographer: Say "astronaut."
- [Elaine, laughing, walks right up to the lens of the camera]
- Elaine: Heh-heh. Say what? Ha-ha-heh! Say what?
- Jerry: [pulls her back] You took too many of those pills.
- Stella: This better be good. I'm missing Golden Girls for this.
- Helen Seinfeld: Heh-heh! [Stella walks away] I hate her like poison.
The Dog [3.4]- Jerry: Two hundred seats on a plane, I gotta wind up next to Yukon Jack and his dog Cujo.
- Kramer: I must have been out of my mind. Look at you. Why don't you do something with your life? Sit around here all day, you contribute nothing to society. You're just taking up space. How could I be with someone like you? Couldn't respect myself.
The Library [3.5]- George: He purposely mispronounced my name. Instead of saying "Costanza", he'd say "Can't-stand-ya, can't stand ya!" He made me smell my own gym socks once.
- Kramer: Bookman? The library investigator's name is actually Bookman?
- Librarian: It's true.
- Kramer: That's amazing. That's like an ice cream man named "Cohn."
The Parking Garage [3.6]- Jerry: You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the city.
- Elaine: Why can't you do it?
- Man: I can't.
- Elaine: No, see that's not a reason you can't. You just don't want to.
- Man: That's right.
- Elaine: But why? Why don't you want to?
- Man: I don't know.
- Elaine: But wouldn't you get any satisfaction out of helping someone out?
- Man: No, I wouldn't.
The Cafe [3.7]- Jerry: I don't know. I'm obsessed with it. It's like a spider in the toilet struggling for survival. And even if you know it's not going to make it, you kind of root for it for a second.
- Elaine: And then you flush.
- Jerry: Well, it's a spider.
- Jerry: Casus belli.
- Elaine: Casus... belli.
The Tape [3.8]- Elaine: [jokingly] Jerry, I want to slide my tongue around you like a snake... Ooooooooooha ,oooooohaaaa...
The Nose Job [3.9]- Kramer: Oh, you're as pretty as them. You just need a nose job.
- George: [referring to a nose job] Peter Jennings had one.
- Audrey: Really?
- George: Probably. They all do. In my high school, half my graduating class had them. Of course, I'm from Long Island, so...
The Stranded [3.10]- Ava: Are you a vegetarian?
- Jerry: Here we go..
- Elaine: Yeah, I eat fish occasionally.
- Ava: So you're a hypocrite.
- George: Hey, I've eaten frogs, so nobody's perfect.
- Elaine: Oh yeah, that's right. Go ahead, go ahead, maybe you can run over a squirrel!
- George: That's why we're here in America.
The Alternate Side [3.11]- Agent: Unfortunately we ran out of cars.
- Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.
- Agent: I know why we have reservations.
- Jerry: I don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car. See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.
- Sid: Moving cars from one side of the street to the other don't take no more sense than putting on a pair of pants. My question to you is, who's putting your pants on?
The Red Dot [3.12]- Mr. Lippman: It has come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?
- George: Who said that?
- Mr. Lippman: She did.
- George: Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to plead ignorance on this thing, because if I had known that sort of thing was frowned upon...
- Elaine: George, this is one of the nicest things anyone has ever given me!
- George: Well, good, good. Take it off. You're going to wear it out already. It's for special occasions this thing.
- Kramer: What's that red dot on your sweater?
The Subway [3.13]- Kramer: All right, Coney Island. Okay, you can take the B or the F and switch for the N at Broadway Lafayette, or you can go over the bridge to DeKalb and catch the Q to Atlantic Avenue, then switch to the IRT 2, 3, 4 or 5, but don't get on the G. See, that's very tempting, but you wind up on Smith and 9th street, then you got to get on the R.
- Elaine: Couldn't he just take the D straight to Coney Island?
- Kramer: Well, yeah...
- Jerry: Remember, don't whistle on the elevator.
- George: Why not?
- Jerry: That's what Willy Loman told Biff before his interview in Death of a Salesman.
- George: What, you are comparing me to Biff Loman? Very encouraging: the biggest loser in history of American literature.
The Pez Dispenser [3.14]- Jerry: Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.
- Elaine: Well, maybe some mental defective put something stupid on her leg.
- Jerry: Even if this so-called mental defective did put something on her leg, she's still the one who laughed.
- Jerry: By the way, how do you warm up before you play?
- Noel: I just crack my knuckles and go.
The Suicide [3.15]- Elaine: But here it was, mountains of duck. And not fatty duck, either, but juicy, tender breasts of duck.
- Jerry: Wow, she is really hungry!
- George: Are there terrorists on the plane? A hotel fire — is that it? Typhus? Malaria? Yellow fever? Lupus? Is it lupus?!
The Fix-Up [3.16]- George: Is there a pinkish hue?
- Jerry: A pinkish hue?
- George: Yeah, a rosy glow.
- Jerry: There's a hue. She's got great eyebrows; women kill to have her eyebrows.
- George: Who cares about eyebrows?
- George: What kind of hair?
- Jerry: You know: long, dark hair.
- George: Flowing?
- Jerry: Flowing?
- George: Is it flowing? I like flowing, cascading hair. Thick, lustrous hair is very important to me.
- Jerry: "Thick, lustrous hair is very important to me." Is that what you said?
- George: Yeah, that's right.
- Jerry: Just clarifying.
The Boyfriend, Part 1 [3.17]- Jerry: According to your story, Hernandez passes you and starts walking up the ramp. Then you say you were struck on the right temple. The spit then proceeds to ricochet off the temple, striking Newman between the third and fourth rib. The spit then came off the rib turned and hit Newman in the right wrist, causing him to drop his baseball cap. The spit then splashed off the wrist, pauses — in mid air, mind you — makes a left turn and lands on Newman's left thigh. That is one magic loogie.
- Jerry: I'm saying that the spit could not have come from behind, that there had to have been a second spitter, behind the bushes on the gravelly road. If the spitter was behind you as you claim, that would've caused your head to pitch forward.
- Elaine: So the spit could've only come from the front and to the right.
- Jerry: But that's not what they would have you believe.
- Newman: I'm leavin.' Jerry's a nut!
- Kramer: [to Newman] Wait, wait, wait.
- Jerry: The sad thing is that we may never know the real truth.
The Boyfriend, Part 2 [3.18]- Keith Hernandez: [thinking] Come on, I won the MVP in '79. I can do whatever I want to.
The Limo [3.19]- George: Did you see the way she was looking at me?
- Jerry: She's a Nazi, George, a Nazi!
- George: Kind of a cute Nazi, though.
- Eva: What was that you said about the myth of the Holocaust?
- George: Oh, I said so many things. I- [a loud blast is heard] They're shooting! They're shooting!
The Good Samaritan [3.20]- George: No, no, I don't think I'm special. My mother always said I'm not special.
- George: I'm speechless! I have no speech!
The Letter [3.21]- Art patron: [describing his view of "The Kramer" portrait] He is a loathsome, offensive brute. Yet I can't look away.
- George: I don't get art.
- Jerry: There's nothing to get.
- George: No, it always has to be explained to me, and then I have to have someone explain the explanation.
The Parking Space [3.22]- George: All bald people look good in hats.
- Elaine: You should have lived in the twenties and thirties. You know, men wore hats all the time then.
- George: What a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew.
- Jerry: Like you didn't call me a phony?
- Mike: What? [to Kramer] Thanks! Real good! [back to Jerry] Jerry! First of all, I think you completely misunderstood what I said. I meant it in a complimentary way. I mean, you know when people say, "He's bad," it really means he's good, sort of thing? You know, slang.
- Jerry: Use it in a sentence.
- Mike: Man, that Michael Jordan is so phony. [to Kramer] Why'd you tell him?
- Kramer: He begged me!
- Mike: He begged you?
The Keys [3.23]- Kramer: Do you ever yearn?
- George: Yearn? Do I yearn?
- Kramer: I yearn.
- George: You yearn?
- Kramer: Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Often I sit... and yearn. Have you yearned?
- George: Well, not recently. I've craved. Constant craving.
- Jerry: You scared me!
- Kramer: It's just me.
- Jerry: That's enough!
Season 4The Trip, Part 1 [4.1]- Voice: Murphy Brown.
- Kramer: Uh, yeah, uh, Candace Bergen please.
- Voice: Who's calling please?
- Kramer: Well, just tell her that it's Kramer.
- [dial tone]
- George: I dress by mood.
- Jerry: And what mood is this?
- George: This is Morning Mist.
The Trip, Part 2 [4.2]- George: I hate asking for change. They always make a face. Like I'm asking them to donate a kidney.
- Jerry: Hello 911? How are you?
The Pitch [4.3]- Telemarketer: Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service.
- Jerry: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later.
- Telemarketer: Uh, I'm sorry we're not allowed to do that.
- Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.
- Telemarketer: No.
- Jerry: Well now you know how I feel. [hangs up]
- Kramer: No. We had a deal. There are no guarantees in life.
- Newman: No, but there's karma, Kramer.
- Jerry: "Karma Kramer"?
The Ticket [4.4]- Newman: So I sped home to save my friend's life and I was stopped for speeding. Yes, I admit I was speeding but it was to save a man's life! A close friend. An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved and to be a banker.
- Jerry: You know a muffin can be very filling.
The Wallet [4.5]- Jerry: Don't you hate "To be continued" on TV? It's horrible when you sense the "To be continued" coming. You know, you're watching the show; you're into the story. There's, like, five minutes left and suddenly you realize, "Hey, they can't make it. Timmy's still stuck in the cave. There's no way they wrap this up in five minutes." I mean, the whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life. A comedian can't do that, see. I can't go, "A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arm... Can you come back next week?"
- Morty: They stole my wallet. The bum stole my wallet. MY WALLET'S GONE! MY WALLET'S GONE! I had my wallet in my back pocket. It’s gone.
- Nurse: Are you sure?
- Morty: Yes, I'm sure. I went in to get my x-ray. Somebody takes my wallet. Is that the operation here?
The Watch [4.6]- Elaine: Just tell him that you're my boyfriend and that we're in love, okay. Can you do that?
- Kramer:Yeah, yeah, okay. I'm your boyfriend... Have we been intimate?
- Elaine: Yeah, yeah, we've been intimate.
- Kramer: How often do we do it?
- Elaine: Kramer, how is that important? Honestly, do you really think he's gonna ask you that?
- Kramer: Elaine, he's a psychiatrist. They're interested in stuff like that.
- Elaine: Alright, alright. We do it, uh...five times a week, okay?
- Kramer: Oooh, baby.
- Helen: If you don't think she's beautiful, there's something wrong with you.
- Jerry: She's pretty. She's not beautiful.
- Helen: I should drop dead if she's not beautiful.
- Jerry: I think that's a little extreme.
- Leo: She's alright..
The Bubble Boy [4.7]- Jerry: He's a bubble boy!
- George: A bubble boy?!
- Jerry: Yes! A bubble boy!
- Susan: What's a bubble boy?
- Jerry: He lives in a bubble!
- George: Boy.
- [trying to avoid hearing Naomi's obnoxious laugh]
- Naomi: I thought you liked to laugh. I thought you were happy-go-lucky.
- Jerry: No, nah. I'm not happy and I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything I'm sad stop unlucky.
- Naomi: Hahahaha.
- Jerry: That's not funny, Naomi. I didn't mean to be funny there. Why don't you check the TV guide. I think uh, Holocaust is on.
The Cheever Letters [4.8]- Susan: (reading one of the letters) "Dear Henry, last night with you was bliss. I fear my..orgasm has left me a cripple. I don't how how I shall ever get back to work..I love you madly, John...P.S. Loved the cabin."
- Elaine: Maybe I'll go visit my mother. She just bought me some new panties and they're all "laid out for me".
The Opera [4.9]- Jerry: Why don't you just get lost?
- Man: Why don't you get lost?!
- Jerry: Because I was standing here, that's why!
- Man: Oh yeah?!
- Jerry: Yeah!
- (The man walks away)
- Jerry: I kinda like this opera crowd. I feel tough. Anybody else got a problem?
The Virgin [4.10]- Elaine: I was talking to this guy, you know, and I just happened to throw my purse on the sofa and my diaphragm goes flying out. So I just froze, you know, "ahh!", staring at my diaphragm. You know, it's just lying there. So then, this woman, the one who sold me this hair thing, she grabbed it before the guy noticed. So, I mean, big deal, right? So I carry around my diaphragm; who doesn't? Yeah, like it's a big, big secret that women carry around their diaphragms. You never know when you're gonna need it, right?
- Jerry: She's a virgin. I just found out.
- Elaine: Well, I didn't know!
- Jerry: Well, it's not like spotting a toupee.
The Contest [4.11]- George: Hey, what are you doing tonight?
- Jerry: Dating Marla.
- George: Oh, the virgin?
- Jerry: Yeah.
- George: Any, uh.. progress, there? What's the latest?
- Jerry: Well, I got my troops amassed along the border - I'm just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.
- Elaine: What're you looking at?
- Jerry: There's a naked woman across the street.
- Elaine: [chuckling] This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made in my life. So, my friend, Joyce, is teaching an aerobics class. I'm gonna go tonight.
- Jerry: Yeah.. the - the waitress should've taken it back.
- Elaine: So then, I got a call this morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen to go on the space shuttle. We're goin' to Mars.
- Jerry: Uh-huh.
- George: Have a good time.
The Airport [4.12]- Kramer: Listen to the bell, Grossbard. It tolls for thee.
- Guard: All right, let's go.
- Prisoner: I want the magazine!
- George: Umm... No.
- Prisoner: You know what I would do to you, if I wasn't in these shackles..
- George: But you are, "Blanche"! You are in the shackles. Oh, I can't wait to read my "Time" magazine! Last copy, too. Maybe I'll read it tomorrow in the park! It's supposed to be a beautiful day! Have a nice life..sentence, that is!
The Pick [4.13]- Jerry: If we pick, do we not bleed?
- Jerry: I am not an animal!
The Movie [4.14]- Kramer: I don't wanna get a movie hot dog! I want a Papaya King hot dog!
The Visa [4.15]- Jerry: Well, I mean birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year's gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake we know it's not to be. That for the rest of our sad, wretched, pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably. Happy birthday? No such thing.
- George: I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate, I've got it all!
The Shoes [4.16]- Jerry: Looking at a cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.
The Outing [4.17]- Jerry: I've been outed. I wasn't even in!
- Jerry: Everyone thinks we're gay!... Not that there's anything wrong with that.
The Old Man [4.18]- Sid: Oh her. She steals from me. Steals my money. She says she doesn't speak English. My ass she doesn't speak English. Plays that freakin' "voo-doo" music and tries to hypnotize me. She thinks she's gonna turn me into a zombie and then rob me blind. Well, I wasn't born yesterday. I may drop dead today, but I sure as hell wasn't born yesterday! Now get the hell out of my house!
The Implant [4.19]- Sidra: And one more thing; they're real, and they're spectacular.
- Elaine: You know, sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool.
The Junior Mint [4.20]- Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint; it's delicious!
- Jerry: That's true.
- Kramer: It's very refreshing!
- George: I guess it can't hurt him... People eat pounds of those things.
- Jerry: They eat them, they don't put them next to vital organs in their abdominal cavity!
The Smelly Car [4.21]- George: This is beyond B.O. This is B.B.O.
- Jerry: Usually the O stays with the B. Once the B is gone the O leaves with it.
The Handicap Spot [4.22]- Kramer: I got news for you: handicapped people, they don't even want to park there! They wanna be treated just like anybody else! That's why, those spaces are always empty.
- George: He's right! It's the same thing with the feminists. You know, they want everything to be equal, everything! But when the check comes, where are they?
- Elaine: What's that supposed to mean?
- Salesman: This is our best model: The Cougar 9000. It's the Rolls Royce of wheelchairs. This is like...you're almost glad to be handicapped.
The Pilot, Part 1 [4.23]- Jerry: Again with the sweat pants?
- George: What? I'm comfortable.
- Jerry: You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweat pants? You're telling the world: "I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable."
- George: He took a biopsy Jerry, a biopsy!
- Jerry: What'd he say?
- George: He said he didn't know what it was.
- Jerry: All right, so?
- George: When I asked him if it was cancer, he didn't give me a "get out of here". That's what I wanted to hear. "Cancer? Get out of here!"
- Jerry: Maybe he doesn't have a "get out of here" kind of personality.
- George: How could you be a doctor and not say "get out of here" ? It should be part of the training in medical school. "Cancer? Get out of here! Go home! What are you, crazy? It's a little test. It's nothing. You're a real nut, you know that?" Told you God would never let me be successful. I never should have written that pilot. Now the show will be a big hit, we'll make millions of dollars, and I'll be dead. Dead, Jerry. Because of this.
- Jerry: Can't you at least die with a little dignity?
- George: No I can't. I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I've lived my whole life in shame! Why should I die with dignity?
The Pilot, Part 2 [4.24]- Sandi: You're breaking up with me, aren't you?
- Jerry: Do you want me to break up with you?
- Sandi: If that's what you want.
- Jerry: I don't even know what you're talking about.
- Sandi: Fine. Break up with me.
- Jerry: All right. We're broken up.
- Sandi: Can we still be friends?
Season 5The Mango [5.1]- George: You faked?
- Elaine: On occasion.
- Jerry: And the guy never knows?
- Elaine: No.
- Jerry: How can he not know that?
- Elaine: Because I was gooood.
- Jerry: I guess after that many beers he'd be pretty groggy anyway.
- Elaine: [chuckles] You didn't know.
- Elaine: Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.
- Jerry: Sex to save the friendship. [starts to take off his shirt] Well if we have to we have to.
The Puffy Shirt [5.2]- Kramer: This is going to be a new look for the '90s. You're going to be the first pirate!
- Jerry: But I don't want to be a pirate!
- Jerry: I have to wear it [the puffy shirt]! The people at the factory are making these based on me wearing it on TV! They're producing them as we speak!
- Elaine: But you're supposed to be a compassionate person! That cares about poor people! You look like you're gonna swing in on a chandelier!
The Glasses [5.3]- George: I'm at the health club; and while I'm in the pool, some guy walks off with my glasses. Who steals prescription glasses?
- Elaine: You don't have an old pair?
- George: I broke 'em playing basketball.
- Jerry: He was running from a bee.
- Elaine: So I'm all right? I don't need a shot?
- Doctor: Not shot. Dog bite.
- Elaine: Yes, I know I wasn't shot. Do I need a shot?
- Doctor: Not shot. Dog bite. Woof-woof. Not bang-bang.
The Sniffing Accountant [5.4]- Elaine: So because of a few bad apples, you're going to impugn an entire continent?
- Jerry: Yes, I'm impugning a continent.
- Frank: How long it takes to find a bra? What's going on in there? You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I'm back in two seconds...you know about the cup sizes and all? They have different cups.
- George: I know about the cups.
- Frank: You got the A, B, C the D. That's the biggest.
- George: I know the D is the biggest. I've based my whole life on knowing that the D is the biggest.
The Bris [5.5]- George: [showing off his perfect parking spot to Elaine and Jerry] Maybe the baby would like to see the spot.
- Kramer: I'm tellin' ya! The pigman is alive. The government's been experimenting with pigmen since the fifties.
- Jerry: Will you stop it. Just because a hospital gets a grant to study DNA doesn't mean they are creating a race of mutant pigmen.
- Kramer: Oh, Jerry. Would you wake up to reality! It's a military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.
The Lip Reader [5.6]- Newman: When you control the mail, you control information!
- Driver: I'm so sorry, you'll have to forgive me. I can't hear a damn thing. I went to that rock concert last night at the garden. My seats were right up against the speaker. It's a heavy metal group. "Metalli"-something.
- Kramer: "Ca".
- Driver: Huh?
- George: Wha..?
- Jerry: "Ca".
- George: Ah.
The Non-Fat Yogurt [5.7]- Doctor: I find that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you.
- George: Hmm. Really? Nothing?
- Doctor: Nothing that would indicate involuntary spasms.
- George: Well, it's kind of a mystery, isn't it?
- Doctor: No, not really.
- George: How so?
- Doctor: May I suggest the possibility that you're faking?
The Barber [5.8]- Enzo: You happy with the haircut?
- Newman: It's okay. A little crooked.
- Enzo: How'd you like to have free haircut for six months.
- Newman: What's the catch?
- Enzo: You're going to get me a sample of Jerry's hair.
- Newman: That job sounds like it might be worth a year of free haircuts. And a comb.
- Gino: So I love the Edward Scissorhands. That's the best movie I've ever seen.
- Enzo: Ah, again with the Edward Scissorhands. How can you have hand like scissors, huh? Show me one person who's got hand like scissors!
- Gino: Hey, it's a beautiful dream. I'd love to be this man.
- Enzo: Did you ever think about what you're going to do on the toilet? What are you going to do on the toilet?
- Kramer: I'd like to have shoehorn hands.
The Masseuse [5.9]- George: Jerry...this woman hates me so much...I'm starting to like her.
- George: A woman that hates me this much comes along once in a lifetime.
- Jerry: You're a lucky guy.
The Cigar Store Indian [5.10]- Kramer: I'm doing a coffee-table book on coffee tables.
- Estelle Costanza: George doesn't work. He's a bum.
The Conversion [5.11]- Father/Priest: Is there one aspect of the faith that you find particularly attractive?
- George: I like the hats.
- George: Is there any kind of .. express conversion?
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