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M*A*S*H (TV series)
Based on the 20th Century-Fox film M*A*S*H (an acronym for Mobile Army Surgical Hospital), a big hit of 1970 which was based in turn on the book of the same name, M*A*S*H was an American television series about a team of doctors and nurses stationed at a fictional U.S. Army hospital (unit number 4077) in Korea, during the Korean War in 1950-53. The series originally aired on CBS from September 17, 1972 to February 28, 1983 but can still be seen in syndication. The series spanned 251 episodes and lasted almost four times as long as the war which served as its setting.
Contents| Season 1 | Season 2 | Season 3 | Season 4 | Season 5 | Season 6 |
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| M*A*S*H the Pilot | Divided We Stand | The General Flipped at Dawn | Welcome to Korea | Bug Out | Fade Out, Fade In | | To Market, To Market | 5 O'Clock Charlie | Rainbow Bridge | Change of Command | Margaret’s Engagement | Fallen Idol | | Requiem for a Lightweight | Radar's Report | Officer of the Day | It Happened One Night | Out of Sight Out of Mind | Last Laugh | | Chief Surgeon Who? | For the Good of the Outfit | Iron Guts Kelly | The Late Captain Pierce | Lt. Radar O’Reilly | War of Nerves | | The Moose | Dr. Pierce and Mr. Hyde | O.R. | Hey, Doc | The Nurses | The Winchester Tapes | | Yankee Doodle Doctor | Kim | Springtime | The Bus | The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan | The Light That Failed | | Bananas, Crackers and Nuts | L.I.P. | Check Up | Dear Mildred | Dear Sigmund | In Love and War | | Cowboy | The Trial of Henry Blake | Life With Father | The Kids | Mulcahy’s War | Change Day | | Henry, Please Come Home | Dear Dad, Three | Alcoholics Unaminous | Quo Vadis, Captain Chandler? | The Korean Surgeon | Images | | I Hate A Mystery | The Sniper | There Is Nothing Like a Nurse | Dear Peggy | Hawkeye Get Your Gun | The M*A*S*H Olympics | | Germ Warfare | Carry On, Hawkeye | Adam’s Ribs | Of Moose and Men | The Colonel’s Horse | The Grim Reaper | | Dear Dad | The Incubator | A Full Rich Day | Soldier of the Month | Exorcism | Comrades in Arms (Part 1) | | Edwina | Deal Me Out | Mad Dogs and Servicemen | The Gun | Hawk’s Nightmare | Comrades in Arms (Part 2) | | Love Story | Hot Lips and Empty Arms | Private Charles Lamb | Mail Call Again | The Most Unforgettable Characters | The Merchant of Korea | | Tuttle | Officers Only | Bombed | The Price of Tomato Juice | 38 Across | The Smell of Music | | The Ringbanger | Henry In Love | Bulletin Board | Dear Ma | Ping Pong | Patent 4077 | | Sometimes You Hear the Bullet | For Want of a Boot | The Consultant | Der Tag | End Run | Tea and Empathy | | Dear Dad, Again | Operation Noselift | House Arrest | Hawkeye | Hanky Panky | Your Hit Parade | | The Longjohn Flap | The Chosen People | Aid Station | Some 38th Parallels | Hepatitis | What’s Up, Doc? | | The Army-Navy Game | As You Were | Love and Marriage | The Novocaine Mutiny | The General’s Practitioner | Mail Call Three | | Stickey Wicket | Crisis | Big Mac | Smilin’ Jack | Movie Tonight | Temporary Duty | | Major Fred C. Dobbs | George | Payday | The More I See You | Souvenirs | Potter’s Retirement | | Ceasefire | Mail Call | White Gold | Deluge | Post Op | Dr. Winchester and Mr. Hyde | | Showtime | A Smattering of Intelligence | Abyssinia, Henry | The Interview | Margaret’s Marriage | Major Topper | | Season 7 | Season 8 | Season 9 | Season 10 | Season 11 |
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| Commander Pierce | Too Many Cooks | The Best of Enemies | That’s Show Biz | Hey, Look Me Over | | Peace On Us | Are You Now, Margaret? | Letters | Identity Crisis | Trick or Treatment | | Lil | Guerilla My Dreams | Cementing Relationships | Rumor at the Top | Foreign Affairs | | Our Finest Hour | Goodbye, Radar (Part 1) | Father’s Day | Give ‘em Hell, Hawkeye | The Joker is Wild | | The Billfold Syndrome | Goodbye, Radar (Part 2) | Death Takes a Holiday | Wheelers and Dealers | Who Knew? | | None Like It Hot | Period of Adjustment | A War For All Seasons | Communication Breakdown | Bombshells | | They Call the Wind Korea | Nurse Doctor | Your Retention Please | Snap Judgment (Part 1) | Settling Debts | | Major Ego | Private Finance | Tell it To the Marines | Snappier Judgment (Part 2) | The Moon is Not Blue | | Baby, It’s Cold Outside | Mr. and Mrs. Who? | Taking the Fifth | ’Twas the Day After Christmas | Run for the Money | | Point of View | The Yalu Brick Road | Operation Friendship | Follies of the Living - Concerns of the Dead | U.N., the Night and the Music | | Dear Comrade | Life Time | No Sweat | The Birthday Girls | Strange Bedfellows | | Out of Gas | Dear Uncle Abdul | Depressing News | Blood and Guts | Say No More | | An Eye for a Tooth | Captain Outrageous | No Laughing Matter | A Holy Mess | Friends and Enemies | | Dear Sis | Stars and Stripes | Oh, How We Danced | The Tooth Shall Set You Free | Give and Take | | B.J. Papa San | Yessir That’s Our Baby | Bottoms Up | Pressure Points | As Time Goes By | | Inga | Bottle Fatigue | The Red/White Blues | Where There’s A Will, There’s A War | Goodbye, Farewell and Amen | | The Price | Heal Thyself | Bless You, Hawkeye | Promotion Commotion | | | The Young and the Restless | Old Soldiers | Blood Brothers | Heroes | | | Hot Lips is Back in Town | Morale Victory | The Foresight Saga | Sons and Bowlers | | | C*A*V*E | Lend a Hand | The Life You Save | Picture This | | | Rally Around the Flagg, Boys | Goodbye, Cruel World | | That Darn Kid | | | Preventative Medicine | Dreams | | | | | A Night at Rosie’s | War Co-Respondent | | | | | Ain’t Love Grand | Back Pay | | | | | The Party | April Fools | | | |
Season 1- Hawkeye: You know, we gotta do it someday... throw away all the guns and invite all the jokers from the north and the south to a cocktail party. Last man standing on his feet at the end wins the war.
- Frank: [spotting Hawkeye browsing through his personal shelf] What are you doing there?!
- Hawkeye: I just wanted to borrow your Bible, Frank.
- Frank: Since when are you interested in the Bible?
- Trapper: I peeked at the end, Frank. The Devil did it.
To Market, To Market- Henry: Radar, do you know what kind of wood this is?
- Radar: Oak, sir?
- Henry: Nope - it's oak.
- Trapper: Hurry up, the truck will be here soon.
- [Radar looks up as if he hears something and moves faster]
- Hawkeye: I think we just passed soon!
Requiem for a Lightweight- Henry: Whatever it is, even if the answer is "yes," it's "no."
- Radar: If he wanted to, he could be a platoon. [Trapper looks at Hawkeye.] And he's mean-looking, too. [makes a face to show what he looks like]
Chief Surgeon Who?- General Barker: What are you doing, Corporal?
- Radar: Doing, sir?
- Barker: D-O-I-N-G! What are you doing?
- Radar: I'm listening to you spell "doing", sir.
- [in shorts, T-shirt, and dressing gown]
- Hawkeye: Would I do anything to disgrace this uniform?
- General Barker: Nurse, is everyone in this outfit crazy?
- Nurse: Everybody who's sane is, sir.
The Moose- Hawkeye: I'm gonna do something about this--I'm going to Henry.
- Spearchucker: Henry? Our Henry?
- Trapper: I thought you said you were going to do something about this.
- Trapper: [about the Swamp] Somebody sneaked in here and committed a neatness!
Yankee Doodle Doctor- Hawkeye: Three hours ago, this man was in a battle. Two hours ago, we operated on him. He's got a fifty-fifty chance. We win some, we lose some. That's what it's all about. No promises. No guaranteed survival. No "saints in surgical garb." Our willingness, our experience, our technique are not enough. Guns and bombs and anti-personnel mines have more power to take life than we have to preserve it. Not a very happy ending to a movie. But then again, no war is a movie.
- [An army film unit is making a documentary at the camp.]
- Frank: [Reading from the film script] "...from the strong, capable hands of a Yankee Doodle Doctor."
- Trapper: [laughing] A Yankee Doodle --
- Hawkeye: [singing] Stuck a feather in his nurse...
- Hawkeye and Trapper: ...and called her macaroni!
- [In the film, Hawkeye plays the "Yankee Doodle Doctor" as a Groucho Marx-esque type character, and Trapper as a Harpo Marx-esque character. The first scene shows Radar as a patient being unloaded from an ambulance. ]
- Nurse: Doctor, can you give him a hand?
- Yankee Doodle Doctor: I'd rather give you one!
- Radar: Are you the Yankee Doodle Doctor?
- Yankee Doodle Doctor: I certainly am!
- Trapper: *HONK!*HONK!*
- [Scene cuts to the Mess tent everyone watching the film with Hawkeye and Trapper laughing at people]
- Radar: Gosh, am I glad they brought me here!
- Yankee Doodle Doctor: Wait a minute, have you got a reservation?
- Radar: A reservation?!
- Yankee Doodle Doctor: I'm afraid we're all booked up through New Years!
- Trapper: *HONK!*
- Radar: But, Doctor!
- Yankee Doodle Doctor: I'm sorry, kid. You should've booked ahead. Come to think of it, you should've booked the rest of the body as well!
Bananas, Crackers and Nuts- Hawkeye: I had a dream last night that I was asleep and I dreamed it while I was awake!
- Henry: This is the army! No one can do the best they can!
Cowboy- Trapper: Does Henry have an enemy?
- Hawkeye: Doesn't sound like the work of a friend. I think we better keep an eye on him.
- Trapper: Now?
- Hawkeye: He may not have a later.
- Trapper: Come on, Frank! Outta the way!
- Frank: You're not going anywhere in that, McIntyre. This jeep is the official property of the US Army in general and Col. Blake in particular and as such is to be used for the official duties thereof and nothing else.
- Trapper: Frank, you're sucking around to become a hit and run case. Move!
- Frank: Over my dead body.
- Trapper: Great idea!
Henry, Please Come Home- Radar: They aren't gonna like this.
- Frank: I didn't come here to be liked.
- Radar: You certainly came to the right place.
- Hawkeye: Do you mind if we swim through?
I Hate A Mystery- Henry: I assume you've all read my notice concerning the recent crime wave.
- Hawkeye: I would've read it, but the notice was stolen.
- Hawkeye: You know, I never hit a woman.
- Burns: You lay one finger on Margaret...
- Hawkeye: I was talking about you, Frank.
Germ Warfare- Frank: I'm only paranoid because everyone's against me!
- Hawkeye: Ghouls? Thats a nice thing to call us vampires.
Dear Dad- PA Announcement: Attention, the following personnel have volunteered to go on a ten-mile fitness hike. [Silence]
- PA Announcement: Due to the number of people bored last Sunday, next Sunday will be canceled.
Edwina- Hawkeye: Edwina, may I kiss you?
- Edwina: Is your mouth insured?
- Hawkeye: Did you want to say something, Henry, or were you just hoping for a free tonsillectomy?
Love Story- Radar: [referring to a book Hawkeye is holding] War AND Peace?
- Trapper: Well, Tolstoy was very flexible. He went either way.
- Anderson: I'll tell you how I feel about ol' Johann Sebastian.
- Radar: Now that's highly significant.
- Anderson: I haven't said anything yet.
- Radar: That's OK. I have confidence in you, Lieutenant.
Tuttle- Radar: [referring to Henry, after Frank and Margaret have asked to see him] I'm afraid he's doing some very important sleeping for the army right now.
- Trapper: [while Hawkeye is working on Tuttle's profile] You should write fiction.
- Hawkeye: You should read my file.
The Ringbanger- Margaret: You're drunk!
- Henry: [slurring] That's a dirty lie. And I intend to press charges. The minute I'm sober.
- Henry: [drunk, holding a gun] Don't move, Korea, this is a stick-up.
Sometimes You Hear the Bullet- Henry: Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war. Rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is doctors can't change rule number one.
- Hawkeye: Wendell, another word for "gooks" is "people."
Dear Dad, Again- Hawkeye: [thinking as he writes] I've never put much stock in ESP, but if it is possible for one person to read another person's mind, Radar has that ability. The little fink.
- Radar: [walking past] Is that a nice thing to say?
- Trapper: What a mess. Stomach, kidney, liver...
- Hawkeye: What is that, an organ recital?
The Longjohn Flap- Hawkeye: [to Henry] We're here to report a pair of missing Longjohns.
- Trapper: [also to Henry] Which we own and you are wearing.
- Henry: Can you identify them?
- Hawkeye: I've got a better idea. How about you identify them? [Trapper covers Henry's eyes] Without looking.
- Henry: Well they're long...
- Trapper: And they're johns... they must be his.
- Frank: [to Klinger] The next time I see you, I wanna see a shine on those high heels!
- Trapper: [Upon seeing Frank in the longjohns.] Look at what the giant rodent has on his body.
- Hawkeye: Supparating pustules, if there's any justice. [to Frank] Where'd you get those longjohns!
- Frank: Wouldn't you like to know!
- Hawkeye: [picks up empty gas can and prepares to swing at Frank.] Those are MINE you hermaphordidic weasel!
- Frank: Possession is 9/10 of the law, Pierce. And i'm sleeping with a loaded baseball bat under my pillow, so don't try anything!
- Hawkeye: If I didn't think those would keep you warm, Frank, i'd come over there and beat you to a pulp. Say your prayers, Frank, or the tooth fairy may come and knock out all your teeth!
The Army-Navy Game- Colonel Hersh: You got a stethoscope anyplace?
- Hawkeye: WE'RE A MEDICAL UNIT!!!
- Radar: [seeing Klinger in a suit] Don't I know your sister?
Sticky Wicket- [during a poker game in the Swamp]
- Hawkeye: Can't you guys do that somewhere else?
- Trapper: Why don't you do what you're doing somewhere else?
- Hawkeye: I'm not doing anything!
- Trapper: Well, you can do that anywhere, can't you?
- Trapper: [during a poker game] My last hand was more like a foot.
Major Fred C. Dobbs- Frank: I'll write you every day--faithfully.
- Margaret: You promise?
- Frank: Just like I do my wife.
- Henry: You know, Frank, as rough as it's been, I think I'll miss you.
- Frank: Well it might not have come to this if you had had the backbone to maintain some discipline.
- Henry: Well--so much for missing you.
Ceasefire- General Clayton: Henry, are you sitting down?
- Henry: [stands up] No, sir.
- Clayton: Maybe you better.
- Henry: [sits down] Yes, sir.
- Hawkeye: Is he giving you calisthetics over the phone?
- Trapper: Call us if you need us.
- Hawkeye: Yeah, but don't need us.
Showtime- Frank: Are you going over my head?
- Hawkeye: No, just through the hole in it.
- Henry: It's bad enough that she's having a baby and I can't be there with her!
- Radar: Well at least you were there for the important part.
Season 2Divided We Stand- Henry: There's nothing wrong with Klinger. I mean, he goes out with girls.
- Captain Hildebrand: Must be stealing their clothes.
- Hawkeye: [orders breakfast] I'll have two scrambled powdered eggs and a slice of World War II surplus bread, and don't make it tasty.
5 O'Clock Charlie- Hawkeye: You're out of uniform!
- Nurse: Where?
- Hawkeye: How about my tent in five minutes?
- Frank: I think it ill behooves us—
- Hawkeye: Behooves? What, are we in the cavalry now?
Radar's Report- Sidney: Sign this, soldier.
- Klinger: What's it say?
- Sidney: It says that I have examined you and found you to be a transvestite and a homosexual.
- Klinger: I ain't any of those. Where do you get off calling me that?
- Sidney: I think I got the idea from your cleavage.
- Klinger: Listen, all I want is a Section 8. You know what you can do with this.
- Sidney: Hey soldier. You forgot your purse.
- Hawkeye: Great little war we have here.
- Radar: I could do without it.
For The Good of the Outfit- Hawkeye: We've been getting double-talk in triplicate.
- Frank: [After entering the Swamp] Pigpen. Brothel!
- Hawkeye: Here, sir!
- Trapper: Yo!
Dr. Pierce and Mr. Hyde- Henry: You were ordered to stand down!
- Hawkeye: I did, but I fell up again.
- Trapper: I guess he's just unstable. You see, he took this weird oath as a young man, never to just stand by and watch people die.
Kim- Hawkeye: [looking for maps of the minefield] Why aren't they under "M"?
- Radar: Because they're under "B" for "boom."
- Hawkeye: Looks like a pregnant bagpipe.
- Trapper: Do bagpipes get pregnant?
- Hawkeye: Sure they do, right after they make those funny sounds.
L.I.P.- Hawkeye: [seeing that his patient is a baby] Boy, did his Draft Board go crazy.
- Hawkeye: [to Corporal Walker] Are you married?
- Corporal Walker: Sort of.
- Hawkeye: Sort of married? That's like being sort of a virgin.
The Trial of Henry Blake- General Mitchell: Who are you?
- Margaret: Majors Burns and Houlihan, sir!
- General Mitchell: Which is which?
- Hawkeye: Doesn't matter, they're interchangeable.
- [Klinger has gone hang-gliding in a housecoat and slippers]
- Hawkeye: Did you see that?
- Nurse: What?
- Hawkeye: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
- Trapper: Hawkeye, did you see that?
- Hawkeye: What did you see?
- Trapper: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
Dear Dad, Three- Hawkeye: We've just heard that General Eisenhower's gonna run for president... what some guys won't do to get out of the army.
- Radar: [during roll call] Major Frank Marion Burns.
- Trapper: [snickers] Marion.
- Hawkeye: His folks wanted a boy.
The Sniper- Hawkeye: Frank, do you know what a hero is? Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, he's somebody who's tired enough and cold enough and hungry enough not to give a damn. I don't give a damn.
- Radar: [at show-end referring to sniper's thinking that he was firing on MacArthur's headquarters] Where do you think you're going to get a MacArthur to show him, for Pete's sake?
- [Hawkeye and Trapper dress a sleeping Burns with cap, sunglasses, and corncob pipe]
- Frank: [awakening] What's going on?
- Hawkeye: You have returned.
Carry On, Hawkeye- Hawkeye: [talking to Radar in Henry's office] It's hard to believe I'm sitting in Henry Blake's chair. This is the chair in which a thousand indecisions have been launched.
- Henry: [sick yet acting healthy] I'm in command again. I'm back on the bridge. [sits down and sinks to the floor]
- Hawkeye: He went down with his desk.
The Incubator- Hawkeye: [regarding the requisition of the incubator being denied] We're not asking for a jukebox or a pizza oven.
- Captain Sloan: Oh, those I can let you have.
- Henry: No kidding! Hey, those would be great on movie nights. You got any pizza requisition forms?
- Captain Sloan: Just use the standard S stroke 1798 and write in "Pizza" where it says "Machine Gun".
- Hawkeye: Thank, you Colenol. Sorry, Captain. Sorry, patient, you have a fever of 109 stroke 10. I'm afraid you can't have an incubator but you can have a pizza with everything on it to go, that is, unless of course you go first.
- Henry: Now let's try to stay on the ground, Pierce!
- Hawkeye: [to Sloan] Does the book allow us any ground, Captain? If not, then i'm afraid i'm going to have to ask you all to take a step up!
- Trapper: Into Limbo!
- Hawkeye: No, you can't have any Limbo. As a matter of fact, you can't have anything stroke nothing unless approved by Stat-quo-pak. Which is enough to make you reach for an airsick bag!
Deal Me Out- Hawkeye: [during a poker game] Sidney, what's the psychiatric basis for gambling?
- Sidney: Sex.
- Hawkeye: Why?
- Sidney: I don't know, they told me to say it. Sex is why we gamble, sex is why we drink, sex is why we give birth.
- Hawkeye: Thank you, doctor.
- Sidney: I'm taking a five dollar chip. That was a house call.
- Henry: Are you guys going to play cards, or chew the fat?
- Capt.Pak: If I want to chew the fat, i'll eat a sandwich.
- Henry Blake: Radar, whatever it is, sign it, cancel it, or order five more.
- Radar: Sir, if you're thirsty, compliments of Col. Blake. Scotch, Gin, Vodka. And for convenience, all in the same bottle.
- Radar: The Conference will begin at 1800 hours.
- Capt.Pak: Good. I can get in a little sack time. Corporal?
- Radar: Yes sir?
- Capt.Pak: Have a nurse wake me, a little at a time.
- Radar: Are these sandwiches for anybody?
- Sidney: Anybody with a death wish.
- Henry Blake: Radar, what's going on?
- Radar: It's a patient, sir. He blew his cork.
- Hawkeye: Sidney, front and center.
- Sidney: I'm not going out there without a bulletproof couch!
- Trapper: Where'd we get the Kosher Salami?
- Capt. Pak: I brought it. A little girl I knew at Berkley sent it. She's a yenta now.
- Hawkeye: I wonder what the odds are of my getting the fifth Jack. Oh, well not to worry.
- P.A. Announcement: Will Doctors Pierce and McIntyre kindly return to the conference? They need your money.
Hot Lips and Empty Arms- Margaret: [following Hawkeye's "toast"] I too have a toast. Here's to Captains Pierce and McIntyre. To their all-night binges. To their secret nurse ceremonies. To their planting of microphones in sleeping bags. To their childish switching of names on latrines. All of which goes into my special report to General Mitchell, which culminates in a detailed account of your Thanksgiving "Come As Your Favorite Nude Pilgrim" party.
- [Pierce give Margaret a shot]
- Margaret: Ow! What was that?
- Hawkeye: Load of B1. Get you on your feet again.
- Margaret: Oh... And I didn't get you anything...
Officers Only- Duk: One Shirley Temple.
- Frank: I've been dying for one of these all day. [drinks] That's very good...
- Duk: Kwang Duk, sir.
- Frank: That's a cute name.
- Duk: We're a cute people.
- Duk: Can I get you something, sir?
- Henry: You bet. I'm dying for a banana daiquiri.
- Duk: Is that a drink?
- Henry: Sure. You just take some bananas, some rum and some cream, and you mix it all in a blender.
- Duk: We got no bananas, no blender, and powdered cream.
- Henry: Okay, I'll have a beer.
Henry In Love- Henry: I can't believe it. I couldn't wait till she got here, and now I'm glad she's gone.
- Trapper: It's for the best, Henry.
- Hawkeye: Yeah. If you had sucked your gut in one more time, your belly button would have fallen out your backside.
- [To his son, on the phone.]
- Henry: I don't care if she did put an ice cube in your underwear! Girls will do that. You mustn't hit her with the dog! Now until I get back, you're the man of the house. Yes, I know Mommy thinks she is, but you really are!
For Want of a Boot- Margaret: They love you, Frank.
- Frank: It was their hatred that fooled me.
- Henry: I'd be lying if I said I understood that. I'd also be lying if I said I cared.
Operation Noselift- Henry: Don't tell me. I don't want to know about it. You guys have my full permission, and I never said that. I mean, I'm not even here, so how could I? Radar!
- Radar: Sir?
- Henry: Make an entry in the daily report that I wasn't here today, and bring it to me so I can sign it.
- Radar: Uh, sir, if you sign it, it'll show you were here.
- Henry: Then you sign it for me.
- Radar: Yes, sir. Should I sign your name?
- Henry: You'll have to, because I'm gonna say it was a forgery.
- Hawkeye: [seeing available selections in "nose" catalogue] Gee, I never knew how hard it was to pick a nose.
- Robbins: [pointing to one selection] This one paid for two Cadillacs.
- Trapper: Now that's what you call "paying through the nose."
- Robbins: The wit in this room flows like molasses.
The Chosen People- [After Hawkeye tries to say something in Korean]
- Captain Pak: Give him a bicarbonate and tell him to stay off his feet.
- Hawkeye: Isn't that "Your presence is welcome in our camp"?
- Pak: No, it's "Your uncle has gas from eating cabbage."
- [After Hawkeye says something else in Korean]
- Pak: Sorry to hear that.
- Hawkeye: What?
- Pak: Your uncle with the gas is now pregnant.
- Lieutenant Harper: Are you men doctors?
- Hawkeye: Only when the moon is full.
As You Were- Trapper: [listening to Radar play the piano] Hey Radar, don't you know another song?
- Hawkeye: He doesn't even know THAT one. [Radar continues to play.] Radar, if you keep this up, you could be arrested for felonious fingering.
- PA Announcement: Attention all personnel. Due to a lack of casualties, tonight's midnight movie will be shown at 9:00 AM. And midnight has been cancelled.
- Hawkeye: [Scrubbing up before returning to the OR.] If my hands could talk, they'd scream. I'm raw from all the scrubbing.
- Nurse: Why don't you see a doctor?
- Hawkeye: How would you like a swift kiss in the mouth?
Crisis- Frank: [in Henry's office] What if the Minutemen in 1776 had stopped to worry about toilet paper?!
- Hawkeye: So we would have had independence 10 minutes later.
- Henry: According to Regimental, the fighting shifted to the north and we won't be getting any casualties.
- Hawkeye: That's the same Regimental that said to Custer, "One last stand and then you can go home."
- Margaret: [Trapper is knocking on Margaret's door, Margaret and Frank are eating a stolen ham] Who is it?
- Trapper: The heat inspector!
- Frank: You can't come in!
- Hawkeye: Then we'll huff, and we'll puff, and we'll blow your nurse down!
- Mulcahy: Heavenly Father, we thank Thee for seeing us through this day, and ask for Thy divine help for tomorrow.
- Hawkeye: Same time, same station.
George- Frank: I found out something about someone that is very interesting--very interesting.
- Trapper: Let us guess.
- Hawkeye: Is this person a well-stacked U.S. Army major nurse who's bigger than a breadbox that you're seeing on the side?
- Frank: No... [realizes what Hawkeye said] ...no!
- Frank: The man is not normal!
- Hawkeye: What's normal, Frank?
- Frank: Normal is everybody doing the same thing.
- Trapper: What about individuality?
- Frank: Well, individuality is fine--as long as we all do it together.
Mail Call- Klinger: [reading an alleged letter from home] "Dear Son--"
- Henry: You obviously haven't sent her a recent picture.
- Henry: [pulling out Klinger's file] Here we go. Father dying, right?
- Klinger: Yes, sir.
- Henry: [going through letters in Klinger's file] Father dying, last year. Mother dying, last year. Mother and father dying. Mother, father, and older sister dying. Mother dying and older sister pregnant. Older sister dying and mother pregnant. Younger sister pregnant and older sister dying. Here's an oldie but a goodie: half of the family dying, other half pregnant. [puts file down] Klinger, aren't you ashamed of yourself?
- Klinger: Yes sir. I don't deserve to be in the Army.
A Smattering of Intelligence- Flagg: It all depends on HQ.
- Henry: HQ.
- Flagg: Why did you say HQ? Whoever told you about HQ?
- Henry: Well, you told me, Colonel Flagg.
- Flagg: Who's Colonel Flagg?
- Pratt: [referring to Flagg] Another time, he crashed his Jeep into a wall and set himself on fire.
- Hawkeye: Is this guy available for kids' parties?
Season 3The General Flipped at Dawn- General Steele: War and whiskey don't mix! General Grant kept throwing up on his bugler.
- General Steele: I predict an early end to this war, if it doesn't rain and we get all wet.
Rainbow Bridge- Hawkeye: Look, you're doing something really decent in the middle of a giant indecency. Don't endanger nine men because one idiot wants to do his General Custer impression.
- Frank: When are you gonna learn about Chinese treachery? Didn't Pearl Harbor teach you anything?
Officer of the Day- Hawkeye: I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!
- Hawkeye: I'm not sleeping, I'm inspecting the inside of my eyelids.
Iron Guts Kelly- Trapper [looking at the dead General Kelly]: He died with his boots on.
- Hawkeye: And his socks off.
- Colonel Wortman: That's not a teddy bear?
- Radar: Uh, yes, sir. Regulations against having the real kind.
O.R.- Hawkeye: I just don’t know why they’re shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread. Transplant the American dream. Freedom. Achievement. Hyperacidity. Affluence. Flatulence. Technology. Tension. The inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back.
- Sidney: Some patients insist on dying, Hawk. You knew that going in. But you had to be a doctor.
- Hawkeye: I didn't have a choice, it's all ever I cared about, all I ever wanted to do. Sometimes I think I'd be more useful as a cocktail waitress.
- Sidney: You haven't got the legs for it.
Springtime- Hawkeye (to dishevelled Radar at show-end): Radar, what happened?
- Radar: I don't know. I think I've been slaked.
- Margaret (to Klinger at beginning of wed
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